I hate doing laundry. I know most people do, especially guys, but I really do hate it. You could probably argue that I “don’t know what I’m doing.” I break the golden rules of laundry all the time, refuse to follow standard laundry procedure, and this is what happens. What the fuck is up with the following things:

- If you wash any sort of sheet with your clothes, they will all end up bundled up inside said sheet while in the dryer. Then, since they’re all lumped together in a soggy ball, none of them will be fully dried. The sheet will be warm and crisp but everything else will require a second go-round.

- I have a feeling I might be the only person to whom this happens, but whenever I wash something made of somewhat stiffer fabric (like a pillow case or especially dress shirts), all hell breaks loose. It gets twisted up and folded in on itself and then dries like that, taking on an accordion like shape far too powerful for any iron to remove.

- Never in my life have I separated whites from colors, even when I’m washing a new item of clothing. Despite this, I have never experienced the colors bleeding onto my socks and white shirts. I’ve come to believe that the whole thing is a conspiracy perpetrated by the water company to make you do two loads.

- Doing laundry in a dorm is insanely expensive. When I lived on campus (at Arizona State) it was $1.75 for a full load, and I’ve heard Towson is comparable. A friend of mine who goes to school in California pays $.25 to wash, $.25 to dry. Imagine all the time you could buy at parking meters with the extra quarters. Or Advil and condoms (always simultaneously) from public restrooms. Or, dare I say, Chiclets?

Some other laundry related observations:

- I saw a clip of John Mayer (of all people) doing stand-up comedy and he said something like, “Most people wash their clothes to make them cleaner, I wash mine to make them tighter.” Truer words have never been spoken; not everything about laundry sucks. Of course I still hate his music.

- Have you ever put your shit in the washer and then forgotten to start it? You walk away completely oblivious. 40 minutes later you go to check on it and find it completely dry. It ruins your entire day, especially if you have more than one load to do. It puts you behind schedule in a mean way and makes you feel like a moron.

- Dirty laundry is such a good analogy for things you don’t want people to know about. If someone is going to see your bedroom (provided you actually care what they think), the dirty laundry all over the floor is the first thing to get cleaned up. Screw taking out the trash and vacuuming, I’ve got boxers laying around. Granted “dirty laundry” is not as dramatic and cool sounding as “skeletons in the closet,” but it’s a surprisingly strong number two candidate.

- It’s sad when the biggest part of cleaning your room is doing laundry. Why invest in a hamper when you can just throw it on the floor?

- I have a pair of dress pants that I’ve owned for months. I just realized about a week ago that there is a small pouch on the inside of the waistband that says in big bold letters, “REMOVE BEFORE WASHING.” I still haven’t cut it off because it’s obviously an empty threat. The pants are fine. Besides, I like my pants de-oxygenated at all times.

From wjz.com (click here for the whole article): 

TOWSON, Md. (WJZ) ? Loud parties, drinking on the streets and general bad behavior have people who live in off-campus apartment communities around the Towson University campus fed up.   

 

Mike Hellgren reports Baltimore County police officers Joshua Miller and Sean Dissett have been assigned to crack down on behavior that’s not only bad but also escalating to dangerous.

  
That’s right, the Baltimore County Police Department has assigned two entire police officers to rid Towson of rowdy drunkards. 

This article actually confused me on so many levels. They refer to this assignment as a “pilot program.” They’re going to see if it’s effective and then decide whether or not to continue it. So, you mean to tell me that before now there have been no police officers assigned to patrol Towson on weekend nights? Is this a landmark idea? I understand that these officers are specifically there to respond to alcohol/party related incidents, but I imagine if they saw a robbery or a rape in progress they would step in, so how are they different than any other patrolling police officer?  

Second of all, if you read the whole article and watch the video report, you’ll get confused even more. It seems as though the reporter didn’t tag along with two of the officers assigned to patrol Towson, rather he tagged along with THE two officers assigned to patrol Towson. If you’re going to assign two guys to police an entire town, one of them had better be RoboCop. That’s all I’m saying.   

Unless this is just a case of poor journalism, it sounds like the BCPD is… well… stupid. If they think that assigning two people to do this job is going to make a real difference, they are mistaken. If they think that this is going to be an effective PR weapon, to show that they are serious about “cracking down,” then they’re seriously underestimating our intelligence.  

I, for one, am outraged. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go down a handle of vodka and urinate all over Donnybrook. Who’s gonna stop me?