I love Halloween because I love scary movies. Love them, love them, love them. If you asked me to pick a favorite killer, though, I probably couldn’t. Here are a few of the more famous antagonists and the pros and cons of each.
 
Michael Myers (Halloween)
 
Why I like him: He’s pretty fucking bad-ass. A lot of the time he kills people with his bare hands, by crushing their trachea or smashing their head into the wall. His mask is scary as shit. Also, he will never run after you. Ever.
 
Why I don’t like him: He’s not a creative killer. Aside from the occasional face-stomping, he tends to rely too heavily on the knife. He tends to almost get killed a lot. Also, he has been known to show remorse, which isn’t cool.
 
Jason Vorhees (Friday the Thirteenth)
 
Why I like him: He’s probably the most famous of all these guys, and for good reason. He kicks ass. Jason gets lots of style points. In one movie he killed a girl by swinging her sleeping bag (with her in it) into a tree. He doesn’t stick to one weapon, and he isn’t above shooting someone in the eye with a harpoon. Also, most of the people he kills kind of deserve it.
 
Why I don’t like him: He wasn’t always the super-human, life-ruining badass we know him as. In the early movies he is just a guy in blue jeans and a hockey mask. He also loses points for constantly dying and having to be resurrected.
 
Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street)
 
Why I like him: Probably the second most creative of all the killers. Since he lives in dream world, he can literally do anything he can imagine. The bladed glove is pretty sick, and I’m a little jealous of his fashion sense.
 
Why I don’t like him: He’s a child molester, so I don’t find myself rooting for him very often. I get pissed sometimes that he owns the dream world, because it’s not really fair. He doesn’t have to earn his kills the hard way like Jason or Michael. Also since he is one of the few killers that can talk, he is always spouting off cheesy ass lines before he slices people up. Just shut up already.
 
The thing from Jeepers Creepers
 
Why I like him: He has confidence. This thing doesn’t run when the police shows up, he just eats them. He whistles while he tosses bodies into the back of his van. He’ll fuck your shit up and sing you a tune at the same time.
 
Why I don’t like him: He’s a monster, and not a person, so it’s somehow less scary to me. It is pretty scary that he can’t possibly be stopped by anyone or anything, but that sort of takes away from the fun. You already know he’s going to win in the end.
 
Chucky (Child’s Play)
 
Why I like him: Attitude. He can talk, like Freddy, so that sometimes leads to cheesy dialogue, but often times it’s hilarious. It’s not everyday you get to see a doll dropping f-bombs like he invented it. Chucky can also get fairly creative at times.
 
Why I don’t like him: I can never shake the feeling that if he attacked you, you could just kick him and send him flying. It would be like getting attacked by a chihuahua.
 
Killer from Scream
 
Why I like him: The voice changer was cool, and the “what’s your favorite scary movie?” line is money. Pretty cool mask and a vicious demeanor. Finds time between murders to attend classes/go to parties/direct films/etc…
 
Why I don’t like him: He gets his ass beat by girls every single movie. It’s hard to take him seriously when he gets a lamp busted over his head every five minutes. Somehow he can easily knock off police officers, huge body guards, and football players, but Neve Campbell repeatedly proves to be too much for him. I also get tired of hearing him explain the entire plan to her at the end of the movie instead of just killing her.
 
Jigsaw (Saw)
 
Why I like him:  Easily the most creative of the bunch. He doesn’t just kill people, he makes them wish they were dead first. His contraptions are amazing, and so is his voice. Bonus points for going after the police on purpose.
 
Why I don’t like him: He’s an old, bed-ridden cancer patient. For all his genius, he can’t do all of this stuff alone. He needs some muscle to back him up. Watching the one detective beat the shit out of him in Saw II was awesome though.
 
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Who did I miss? Who is your favorite scary movie killer? Anyone you want to add to my list?

I have a really bad habit of eating way too much fast food. I’m not so much concerned about the fact that it’s not healthy, although that’s true, because 90% of the time I eat out it’s at Subway. Of course, it’s not as good for you when you get the 12″ and add a ton of mayonnaise and cheese. But it is still a moral victory because its Subway and Subway is healthy.
 
My addiction to eating out means that I am terrible at finishing food that is already in my fridge. Things go bad, get freezer burned, or just sit forever. My hierarchy for finishing food basically goes from Easiest to Cook to Most Effort Involved. First to go are frozen pizzas. Tuna sandwiches follow shortly after. Then I eat at Subway five days in a row until I can’t afford it anymore and am forced to make real food.
 
Anyways all of this is leading to something pretty disgusting. A week or two ago (probably closer to two) my roommate and I went grocery shopping and I thought it would be a good idea to get fresh strawberries. They were delicious for a day and then they sat in the fridge until last night. I made a frozen pizza for dinner and, on a whim, grabbed the strawberries to go with it. I took my meal out to the living room, flicked off the lights, and started watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4 On Demand.
 
The pizza was delicious, but the strawberries were a little off. Nothing too bad, they just tasted a bit sour. I figured they were “on the way out.” About halfway through the terrible, terrible movie, I gave up and went to bed. I left the strawberries sitting out because I am lazy. When I woke up today I saw what I had been eating. I was mortified. Have a look, if you dare.
 

 
How did I not notice the thick patch of fuzz? I don’t know, it was dark. Leave me alone. If I die from some horrible stomach virus you’ll know what happened.

I went out last night, to a certain apartment complex that will remain nameless. At 11:30pm, I parked in an ambiguously valid visitor’s parking spot. When I came outside to drive home, at around 3:30am, my car was gone. It had been towed.
 
I just have one question. Who tows cars in the middle of the night? Are you kidding? There’s no reason to tow someone that late unless they are physically blocking traffic or if the car is a bomb. My parking job may have been suspect but it was pretty harmless.
 
I wandered the parking lot like a lost child for a good ten minutes before admitting to myself that my car was actually gone. That’s a weird feeling, when your car isn’t where you remember leaving it. You start questioning yourself. Am I drunk? Am I retarded? Did I win some sort of sweepstakes where they replaced my car with a nicer one?
 
Unfortunately I wasn’t drunk, I’m not retarded, and most disappointing of all, I didn’t win shit. I caught a ride home with a friend and spent the rest of the night screaming into my pillow like a teenage girl until I fell asleep.
 
The next day another friend was nice enough to drive me to the impound lot to retrieve my car. If I had gotten there twenty minutes later, I would have missed my last chance until Monday to get my car back. That was a close one.
 
There’s something about the towing business that sets off your primal instincts and makes you fucking angry. As soon as we rolled up to the lot, I started to get extremely bitter at their audacity. They had a big tow truck blocking the lot so you can’t just hop in your car and drive away. Who they fuck do they think they are? Even their driveway pissed me off. Don’t ask me why, it was just infuriating.
 
I walked into the lot and saw my car sitting there, surrounded on three sides by other towed cars. I took a lap around it, hoping that they had caused some body damage that I could sue them for. Sadly, it was in-tact. I opened the door and retrieved my wallet, which I had left inside.
 
A giant sign on the main building said “Please go to window.” There was a couple in line in front of me at “the window.” They were arguing over some stupid irrelevant dribble, trying to haggle price with these people over some auto-body work they had done. All I could see through the foggy bullet-proof glass was a hand inside the booth waving around a piece of paper and pointing at certain parts of it. I just want my goddamn car back, just pay your bill and go home, assholes. Eventually they came to some sort of agreement and the payment process began. Their credit card machine must have been from 1947 because from the time the woman handed her card through the window to the time she moved her fat ass out of the way was at least another five minutes. That’s not even dial-up speed, that’s like telegraph speed. They should have sent a carrier pigeon instead. Or maybe they should have just carved her receipt into a stone tablet. That would have been a pretty efficient way to waste more of my time.
 
As I was waiting, one of the mechanics/tow-truck drivers/giant douchebags asked me what I was there for and if I needed help. Was he actually being polite to me? How dare you, sir. How dare you. I’m not in the mood for pleasantries.
 
When my turn to approach the window finally came, I realized why the other people took so long. The guy in the booth had to be 100 years old. He didn’t even look like a real old man; he looked like an actor in old-man makeup. His face was covered in moles and liver spots, and his glasses were almost as thick as the bullet-proof glass that was stopping me from punching him. He told me that I owed him $220. I was thinking it would be more like $150, but what could I do. No matter what they charged, it would have been too much. Even if it was free, they still would have owed me for ruining my day. I gave him my credit card, and as he was running it I read a second sign to my right. “Contents of vehicles must not be removed until payment is received.” Too late, I already got my wallet out. Losers.
 
The two mechanics on duty started doing their little jigsaw puzzle thing, to free up my car so I could leave. There was a brief window where the tow truck blocking the entrance was moved and my car had a straight shot. I thought about making a dramatic escape, but then I realized that I had already paid. Foiled again.
 
Old Man Winter was kind enough to give me a receipt denoting how badly I had been boned. Thanks man. I guess I’ll hold onto it in case I want to return my tow-job, or perhaps exchange it for a good old fashioned eye-gouging. As soon as he handed the slip of paper to me I turned and walked away. He might have just destroyed my budget for the next three months, but I didn’t say “thank you.” I clearly win.
 
The worst part of this whole thing is that, when your car gets towed, you spend all this money… and you get literally nothing in return. Absolutely nothing. In fact you also lose valuable time from your day. I think they should offer some sort of consolation package, even if it’s just a Twix and a Vicodin. That way when you get home you can at least say, “Well that was the most expensive Twix I’ve ever eaten.” But you won’t care because you’ll be fucked up on Vicodin.

Everyone knows that Towson is working towards expanding in the coming years. It’s no surprise, what with all the construction and renovation going on, that the school expects a substantial increase in enrollment sometime in the near future. To paraphrase Towson President Robert Caret, these upgrades are meant to benefit the students of tomorrow. Last week I talked about how to make the best of your time here if you are already a Towson student, but what can next year’s freshmen expect?
 
Well, I did some research (you know how I like to get to the bottom of things) and got my hands on an early draft of one of Towson’s recruiting pamphlets for next year. Here’s how they are planning on drawing in all these new students:
 

Towson University - Where Square-Footage Doesn’t Matter

 
At Towson University, we believe in one thing: growth. That’s it. That’s the only thing we believe in.
 
Since 2001, our University has seen a 300% increase in enrollment. By 2010 we hope to be as large as University of Maryland College Park. If expansion continues to go smoothly, we will be the largest (read: only) school in the country by 2025. You might as well go here.
 
Need more convincing? Here is some more information to help you make an informed decision.
 

Where is Towson?

Towson University is located in Towson, Maryland; a mid-sized suburb outside of Baltimore City. What it lacks in acreage, cleanliness, and late-night food, it almost makes up for with its charm. Its lovable residents are always willing to lend a helping hand or, more importantly, receive one from you in the form of money and cigarettes.
 
We have our own mall, our own movie theater, and soon we will have our own Cheesecake Factory. These are excellent places to spend lots of money, wait in long lines, and be accosted. Sometimes all three at once.
 

I had never heard of Towson until TU gave a presentation at my highschool. I kind of wish I had been home sick that day. - B. Dover, Class of ‘09

What is campus life like?

At Towson University, we are all about cramming as many students as possible onto our campus regardless of fire-hazard laws or the principles of physics. Although it may sound uncomfortable, you will learn to love the heavily foot-trafficked walkways and the smell of BO as you walk through class-buildings.
 
Food options on campus are fantastic. Well, one of them is, and we’re not going to tell you which one.
 
There is always something to do on campus. Football game attendance is at an all-time high, and the Campus Activites Board helps bring popular music artists to Towson for live concerts. You will have at least one reason a week to get hammered before noon.
 

My friends and I are always at the game, cheering on our Tigers. We usually leave before half-time to go drink more, but sometimes we pass out in our seats and wake up afterwards. - A. Hugankiss, Class of ‘11

What if I’m stupid?

Don’t worry, you’ll be accepted. “Expansion,” means “getting bigger and stuff.” It also means that we have to be even less picky about who we admit than before. To get a basic idea of whether your application will be approved, here is a checklist (it is by no means official.)
 
- Did you graduate highschool?
 
If you answered yes to all of these questions, then you can probably become a student at Towson University.
 

I was rejected from Towson when I applied during my senior year of highschool in 2005. They told me to reapply for 2008 and that I would probably get in then. I asked if I could still be class of ‘09, and they said they’d consider it. - D. Bagg, Class of Maybe ‘09

But I heard…

Forget what you’ve heard about Towson, we are rebuilding our entire image. You may have been told that parking is a nightmare, but by next fall the problem will be a thing of the past. New garages are under construction as we speak, and by the time you move in to your dorms, the nay-sayers will have graduated. You may have heard that Towson once made Playboy’s list of Schools with the Hottest Girls. This is true, but we are doing everything in our power to make sure it never happens again. We want ugly people to feel more at home here.
 

I once heard that President Robert Caret wrestled two crocodiles for a zebra leg and won. I believed it at first, but then it turned out not to be true. - Anonymous Communications Major

 
Towson University is moving forward into the future, and we want you to be a part of our journey. Remember, we believe in growth (and ONLY growth). That means our growth and yours. Both mentally and physically (we have a Chic-Fil-A).

I just did a search for “Towson University” in Yahoo! News, looking for anything and everything to stimulate my creative writing triggers, and BAM… I stumble upon a fucking goldmine.
 
Yesterday, WJZ ran a story (and also an article on its website accompanied by the video) about Nicole Burlew, a 19 year old Towson University student who is running for mayor of Aberdeen, Maryland.
 

(WJZ) ABERDEEN, Md. She’s just 19, but an Aberdeen teenager wants to become the city’s next mayor.
 
Kai Jackson reports even though Nicole Burlew is not old enough to drink, she has unveiled her campaign platform.

 
I was intrigued from the get-go because she’s cute and she may be a MAYOR soon (men are attracted to power too, you know). But then to find out that she’s a Towson student… that was the icing.
 
One thing I found hilarious about WJZs reporting was that I noted three separate occasions where they mention that she’s not old enough to drink, yet she’s running for mayor. Okay, idiots, I get it. Stop saying that. Come up with a better comparison like “She’s not even old enough to rent a car, ” or “She’s not even out of college,” or “She’s not even old enough to have had the compassion sucked out of her by the political system.”
 
She has an awesome situation. I mean, granted, I don’t know shit about politics but this is Marketing 101. She gets instant publicity because of the novelty of her age. Also, her opponents can’t talk shit about her without looking like Satan (seriously, watch the video and see how they speak about her).
 
The problem is that, no matter what anyone says, she’s going to have trouble being taken seriously. The whole story on WJZ, and the way the candidates and constituents talk about her… it all has this “aw thats so cute,” kind of vibe to it. She should just bust out a nasty smear campaign and wipe the shit-eating grin off of all their faces.
 
Anyways, I hope she reads this. Good luck, and please marry me.

From BizJournals.com:
 

Villa Julie College says it plans to become a university and research on a possible name change is under way.
 
The Stevenson-based college of roughly 3,000 students in June hired Hollander, Cohen & McBride, a marketing firm in Towson, to research the impact of a name change.

 
I read this and started thinking about Towson State University’s earth-shattering decision to drop the “state,” so it would sound like a better school than it actually is. I wonder if they also hired a marketing team to consult on the name change. Despite the fact that on Madden 2008 we are still listed as Towson State, thus proving that no one outside of Maryland gives a shit, I think that dropping the “State” was a good idea. The new name rolls off the tongue a little more easily and saves space on sweatshirts. I couldn’t help but wonder, though, what other ideas were rejected before deciding on Towson University.
 
Well, I did some research and found some information on the Towson name change. Apparently, they brought in outside consultants and researched several different strategies. After reviewing thousands of pages of paperwork and interviewing dozens of those involved, I have summarized my findings below.
 
Full Story »

People are pissed. Towson University is undergoing massive changes from head to toe. Great things are in store for future students, but current students are suffering in the meantime. Parking is a mess, campus is overrun with construction, and the President of the University is blogging. How did it come to this?
 
“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” That’s what people always tell me when I dump nuclear waste into the ocean. But it’s pretty good advice and I think it applies here as well. I certainly don’t want to be “a part of the problem,” so here are some brainstorms that might help make campus life a little easier for you in this time of crisis.
 
Full Story »

My First Parking Ticket, Part I
My First Parking Ticket, Part II: Resurrection
My First Parking Ticket, Part III: Vengeance
My First Parking Ticket, Part IV: Mind Games
———————-
 
My ongoing battle for vehicular liberation has hit a setback. The last update I gave you on the struggle showed Towson Parking Enforcement sneaking into the “the spot” while I was out and squatting on it (as shown here). If I was smart, I would have bailed and cut my losses. Quit while you’re ahead, that’s the smart thing. Well, I’m an idiot and as soon as they left I reclaimed what I thought was rightfully mine. Obviously a bad move.
 

The next day, I walked out to my car to once again find Parking Enforcement camped out right next to me. The same woman that I had seen before was sitting on a ledge to the side of my car, making notes about something on a clipboard. I didn’t aknowledge her, of course. As I got closer to my car I could see that the meter was flashing a red “Expired”. I also spotted a little piece of paper under my windshield wiper. Suppressing the urge to throw a cinderblock through the woman’s windshield, I calmly collected the ticket and drove off. Another $18 fine that could have been avoided if Towson didn’t suck so badly.
 

That makes twice now that I’ve been boned, figuratively. Surprisingly, though, I’m not that mad. I had a good run at that meter, and for as much trouble as I have gone through, I bet the last few weeks have been even more stressful for Towson Parking Enforcement. When you do the math, I’m getting a pretty good deal. Two $18 tickets in a little over a month is better than paying for a parking permit anywhere. Maybe now we can put this whole saga to rest. Of course, I’ll still be checking back to see if the meter breaks again…

My roommate, his girlfriend, her roommate, and I all took a trip tonight to Party City. His girlfriend wanted to exchange a costume she had bought earlier, and I tagged along to take a look at the selection.
 
If you have ever been to the Party City on York Road (by Panera), you know how poorly run it is and should probably just stop reading now. By the time we finally got out of there we were affectionately calling it the “Giant Shop of Horrors,” which is appropriate on so many levels.
 
Full Story »

I just received an invitation via Facebook to National Sex Day, which begins at 12:00am December 21st, and ends at 12am December 22nd. They even have a link to a resource for getting free condoms. For some reason I am endlessly fascinated by this and my brain has been on overdrive. Some thoughts:
 

 
Alright, the novelty has passed. That was fun while it lasted.