See!!!! I’m not crazy! Towson is fucked up.
 
On the front page of today’s Towerlight (in which I can be found on page 4 : ) ), there is an article called “Towson Robberies Continue.” It’s about a recent surge in armed robberies taking place in central Towson. The article supplies a map of the neighborhood, with recent incidents marked as stars.
 
Three of the four that have taken place in the last ten days are within a block of my house. Hooray.
 
The quote from the Baltimore County Police Spokesman was so dead on:

One of the difficulties we face is drug addicts coming off a long night looking for money. A vast majority of our robberies are driven by drugs.

 
Damn man, they’ve got it figured out. After a ridiculous all-night bender, all you have to do is go mess someone up with a pipewrench to finance tomorrow night’s festivities. It’s basic economics at work.
 
I should buy a gun… and/or a pet lion. Preferably the lion so that, when he’s not eating some burglar’s face, we can play fetch. Anyone know where to buy a humongous scratching post?
 
*** In related news, the FBI caught their number one most-wanted cocaine trafficker somewhere in South America. Think we’ll see a difference in Baltimore? ***

Dear Everyone Who Still Lives on Campus,
 

Whether you’re a freshman, a sophomore, or just a junior who wants to be in good position to mack on freshman girls, you can probably benefit from the advice I am about to dispense.

It’s only a matter of time before you need to start looking for off campus housing. Freshmen have another year or two before they have to worry about it, sophomores six months or so, and juniors… well, the sooner the better. Unless you want to end up like a more depressing version of Van Wilder. When you do start checking out classified ads in the paper, driving around Towson and Kenilworth, and scanning Craigslist (highly recommended), you have a lot to keep in mind. How many roommates do you want, how lenient are they on parties, can you keep pets, where will you put all the dead hookers… Typical college stuff.

Don’t make the same mistake that I made, though, and end up in a place without air conditioning. For God’s sake, keeping cool during the summer is paramount, and you sometimes don’t realize it until it’s too late. When you start to rent a place, make sure that it either a) has air conditioning b) has central air or c) is an igloo.

Allow me to give you a glimpse into the lives of my roommate and I, as we navigate the Sahara that is our house. This is life without air conditioning:

• Assuming you’re on a college budget and can’t just go out and BUY a couple of AC window units, you will own one fan. Maybe two. You will carry this fan from room to room.
• You will rarely use your blanket, as it has become unnecessary and often cumbersome. You will, however, keep it on your bed because you, for some reason, can’t sleep unless part of your body is covered by it; even if it’s just your crotch.
• When friends come over at night, they refuse to actually enter the house, opting instead for the front porch, front yard, or back alley. Sometimes they refuse to come over at all.
• Your T.V. speakers will break, because the T.V. is constantly on full volume in order to be heard over both fans running right next to it.
• You will eat a shitload of freezy pops.
• You will still wear deodorant to abide by social norms, but it will be laughably ineffective at keeping you sweat-free.
• Running the dryer will turn your house into a sauna. You will try to only run loads as you are leaving the house, but sometimes will be forced to suffer the stifling heat.
• You will only clean the house during or after a rainstorm; because the rest of the time it’s too damn hot.
• You will take any excuse to go somewhere that does have air conditioning, no matter how inconvenient or ridiculous.
• You will be, in general, much angrier… all the time.

 
Please, heed my warnings. I know that most respectable places these days will ensure that you have some sort of central cooling system, but keep a lookout anyway. You will be so much better off with air conditioning, and then maybe I can come over and enjoy it too.

Love,

Evan

I remember watching the last Ravens-Bengals matchup, near the end of the 2006 season, while I was still in Arizona. Going to an out of state school (ASU in particular) was infuriating during the fall because, instead of watching the Ravens clobber people, I was forced to choke down yet another abysmal season of Cardinals’ football. To be fair, the Cardinals do hold a soft spot in my heart now (they’ve got spunk, if nothing else). But that’s besides the point.
 
My roommate and I went out to this sports bar for the game (which was primetime), and as we devoured our burgers or wings or whatever it is we got that night, we watched the Ravens lose slowly and painfully. It was like a game of Monopoly; it had been over for a while, but there were still 2 maddening hours left of formalities. We ended up losing by 6 points, which is roughly a third of the number of convicted criminals on the Bengals’ roster.
 
I wanted to start throwing food at the T.V. Not my food, but someone else’s. I needed mine to comfort myself and ease the pain via massive calorie intake.
 
That game perfectly foreshadowed our playoff loss to the Colts later that season. They were both slow and painfully drawn out, leaving behind only a bitter emptiness within Baltimore fans everywhere. The Colts game, however, gets extra points for ruining my 20th birthday.
 
I ‘ll be watching tonight, looking for redemption. And also a glimpse of the cheerleaders.

I can only imagine how many poor unsuspecting people are duped into visiting www.towson.com every month… Oh that’s right, 7000, according to the site.
 
Don’t waste your time going there… you’ll just be helping them earn money they don’t deserve from advertisers.
 
What a colossal waste of a domain name (Towson.com). Here’s some of what you’d find if you WERE to click that link.
 

• A “Community Bulletin Board” aka 20,000 Spam Messages - Here you’ll meet other people in your area, advertise your yard sale, and discuss where to buy Viagra online, where to buy Valium online, and where to buy Tramadol online. My favorite thread is under a post called “Info on Fingertoe Nails.” You know there really isn’t enough good information on the internet about fingertoe nails. I was just thinking that.
  
• Calendar of Events… That No One Would Ever Go To - What is there to do in Towson, you ask? Why, in March (thats roughly the last time they updated) there’s an entire week of “Eating Disorder Screenings.” Whatever those are. Oh, and don’t forget National Scrapbooking Day in May. Actually, do forget it because it’s too late to go.
• A List of Links Vaguely Associated with Towson - How could you possibly need any more information about Towson then they have already provided you with? Well, on the off chance that you do, they have supplied a list of Towson related links. All the staples are there; Towson University, Baltimore County Library, Women’s Law Center of Maryland, The National Kidney Foundation. You know, the usual suspects.
• Constant Pandering to Advertisers - I hope you own a local business. I really do.

 
This is the worst kind of site there is on the internet. A pure link farm site would have been better. The people who run this site have put in as little effort and as much feigned content as possible in order to make money off of a highly profitable domain name.
 
They had better appreciate that I just drove a couple dozen people to their website.

I was walking over to 7-11 just now, not ten minutes ago, when a woman handed me a folded piece of paper.
 
Earlier in the day I had been asked by this young-intellectual looking sort of guy, on the same corner outside of 7-11, if I had a minute “for the environment.” I did, in fact, have a minute for the environment but I know what he really meant was “Do you have money that you are willing to give me for the environment?” The answer to THAT question was “no.”
 
Anyways I assumed this lady was affiliated with the guy from earlier, so I accepted her pamphlet and kept walking as I still didn’t have any money for the environment. As soon as I unfolded it, however, I realized that A) she certainly wasn’t associated with any sort of environmental organization and B) I had seen some of her literature before, posted on telephone poles around Towson. This time, I decided to take a minute and read it… for shits and giggles. Having read it all the way through, all I have to say is….. WOW.
 
If you want to read the whole thing (I just HAD to type it up), just scroll down a little bit. It’s kind of long, but quite entertaining if you persevere. Do yourself a favor and read to the end.
 
The paper is covered front and back by a very “fuck the government” style handwriting. On each side, the text is framed on the top and bottom by quotes; two from Frederick Douglass, one each from Ida B. Wells and W.E.B. DuBois.
 
I mean… I could try to explain the absurdity of this thing but you really have to read it yourself. It requires no additional commentary from me. It’s two pages worth of mind terrorism, secret government technologies, involuntary surgery to implant nano-chips into people’s brains, and something about the KKK. What’s really funny, though, is that having read the entire thing I have absolutely NO IDEA what this is supposed to be about. I’m not so much scared for my safety/privacy as I am tempted to go watch the Matrix again. And then do shrooms. And then separate the frontal lobe of my brain with a hammer and chisel. Perhaps then I’ll understand.
 
Anyways, here it is. Unedited for your reading pleasure. I’m doing my part to spread the word.

“Every device is adopted to make slaves of free men and rob them of their wages.” - Ida B. Wells
 
Various measures are being used to terrorize and enslave targeted victims, as well as to prevent others from interfering in the crimes or even helping the victims. Many people call these types of terrorist crimes “mind control.” After all, isn’t the fear or paranoia the victim experiences in the mind? Who, in this day and age, could agree to live as a criminal “slave,” unless they were brainwashed or something?! And how could anyone see evidence of terrorist crimes such as torture, and then fail to step forward, offer to help the victims, and speak out in defense of human rights, unless something were wrong with their minds?
 
In fact, those committing these crimes consider nearly everything they do to be part of a “terror and mind control plan.” Their methods include the terror tactics favored by the Ku Klux Klan prior to their defeat by our Civil Rights Movement. When you make an in depth study of the old K.K.K. white supremacist style of terror and control, you will clearly see that it is the same as that being used against us today. The only difference is that today’s terror and control tactics are likely to also employ criminal “slaves” using computors for remote control technology. Other terror and mind control tactics in use are designed either to drive the victim insane, make the victim seem insane, or deceive the victim into believing that he or she is being subjected to telepathy, voodoo, haunted by ghosts, or having other false supernatural experiences. One of the major terror/mind-control methods in use involves miniature short-wave receivers placed behind the skull. This is how the “slaves” receive their orders and also how many of the victims are driven insane. In addition, a reduced volume voice, broadcast into the head, is perceived by the victim as a thought. This is called thought implantation.
 
“To enslave men, successfully and safely, it is necessary to have their minds occupied with thoughts and aspirations short of the liberty of which they are deprived.” - Frederick Douglass
 
“We may no longer dodge or hesitate. We must all, black or white, Northerner or Southerner, stand in the light and speak plain words.” - W.E.B. DuBois
 
Many people want to help get the truth about these crimes of torture and terror out in the open, but feel confused about how to go about doing it. In fact, telling the truth is surprisingly simple and with practice, daring to make the effort becomes easier. With enough experience, your fear will fade so much that speaking out, posting flyers and handing out literature will seem natural to you. You can even begin by copying this information, handing it out, and discussing it with your coworkers, family, and friends. Everyone has a right to know that they are being subjected to these surgical procedures, that remote control technology is being used to torture, rape, and kill, and about other crimes against humanity.
 
Whenever these crimes are the topic of your conversation, be sure to speak as loudly and clearly as possible. That way, you can even make an impact on anyone in the vicinity, even those who are too fearful and shy to speak with you. And some of them will mention what they heard you say to their family and friends.
 
If you are one of the guilty individuals who made the mistake of becoming enslaved and found yourself involved in committing these crimes, then you probably have concrete evidence (such as a click box, puppetting gear, synthetic skin, bone-plaster, and etc.) in your possession. In that case, you are in a position to do even more for the cause of human rights and freedom. Once all this is out in the open, you could be arrested for possessing these things, but now, if you step forward, tell the truth and show the evidence, you will be rewarded with respect and gratitude. Because no one appreciates being a slave, others who feel trapped in that evil and ugly lifestyle will follow your example.
 
“I can tell you what I have seen with my own eyes, felt on my own person, and know to have occurred in my own neighborhood.” - Frederick Douglass

A few weeks ago I was walking along York Road, probably coming home from the mall. It was evening and getting dark out, so most of the shops were closing up. The Real Thing (which is a delicious sub shop that you need to try if you haven’t yet) flicked off its welcoming OPEN sign and killed the lights. Love Ones (the sex shop) was already closed.
 
As I was walking, I saw a man coming out of the Psychic Readings shop. He was with his family; little kids scurrying around every which way. In all of the confusion, as they were walking out the door, he announced “Damn, I forgot my keys. Stay here kids, I’ll be right back.”
 
I’m sorry, what?
 
Shouldn’t he have known that was going to happen? So… he can tell me who I’m going to marry and when I’m going to die, but his powers don’t cover things like “Where did I put my keys?” I wouldn’t recommend going there. Ever.
 
I’ve always thought it would be fun to get a psychic reading. I mean, I don’t believe in the stuff, but you’d come out of it with a funny story at least. Or if you did find yourself buying into it, you could have that horrifying epiphany where you’re like “Oh no, I’m an idiot.” Unfortunately, I can never get one now.
 
On top of the dude forgetting his keys, there is one other incident that has ruined psychics for me forever:
 
I delivered pizza to one. (I deliver pizzas.)
 
Yes, really. This one had her kids running around all over the place too (to be fair, this was in Parkville). It was a big order too, like two pizzas and a couple subs, with all these superfluous directions for us to bring extra napkins and forks and shit.
 
I realize that they are people too… but shouldn’t psychics be travelling around in a wagon living off of toad tears and lizard tongues? The thought of my psychic wolfing down a cheesesteak two minutes before telling me my future is utterly preposterous.
 
As I was leaving her house/place of business, she goes, “Have you ever had your reading done?”
 
I told her that I hadn’t. She replied, “You should come in, I’m a psychic you know.”
 
Yeah sure. The worst psychic ever.

I was trying to avoid writing anything about the parking situation in Towson because, well, I wasn’t bothered by it until today. See, I had been flying under the radar and secretly taking a proverbial piss on the Baltimore County Revenue Authority since mid-August. Well, not anymore. My parade has been officially drenched by Hurricane Douchenozzle. Allow me to explain.
 
When I came back home to Baltimore/Towson, I didn’t have a car. Of course, I wanted one, but there is nowhere to park it. Since my house is on a street that is zoned for commercial use, there is no residential parking. The parking lot directly behind my house, that would appear to be useable, requires a permit from my landlord for $80 a month. I’m sorry, but fuck that. He might as well charge me a pound of flesh.
 
The meters in front and to the side of my house are off limits because Towson is greedy and won’t give me a permit to use them… despite the fact that I LIVE here. When I asked the Transportation Office (or whoever it was), they basically told me “Well, you should have thought of this before you started renting that house.”
 
However, having not had a car since highschool, I refused to be beaten by this hobknobbery. I got a car anyway. When people asked where I would park it, I replied that I would “wing it.”
 
But, alas, there was a loophole. Not long ago, my friends and I discovered a parking meter (about half a block away from my house) that was broken. To the casual observer it looked normal enough, but in reality the time never expired. It was perpetually stuck on 10 minutes. Not only that, but it was sort of tucked away in the back corner of this parking lot. It was all mine. Mine, mine, mine. Sure, every once in a while some dick would steal it. But then I would sneak out of my house at 3 in the morning and take it back while the rest of the world was sleeping. Life was good.
 
This arrangement worked perfectly for about a month. And then you know what?
 
THEY FIXED IT!!!!!!!
 
Are you kidding me? There are drug dealers and murderers and child mollesters and drunk people on the loose, yet they still have time to fix one measily malfunctioning parking meter. When I found this out (yesterday), I sat in my car and cried for over four hours to “Incomplete” by the Backstreet Boys.
 
To make this long and very depressing story short, I parked my car at a meter last night (they’re free after 6pm) and forgot about it. Predictably, I did not wake up at 7:59am to move it, and as expected I had a ticket sitting on my windshield this morning when I finally did roll out of bed.
 
$18. That’s a joke. If I was a “grown up” with a real job I would laugh at that. I’d send them a 20 and say keep the change. Instead I’ll probably pay them in all dimes.

I just spent the last 30 minutes reading entries about Towson (the town, not the school) on Urban Dictionary. For those unfamiliar, Urban Dictionary is a lot like Wikipedia. Vast, user-generated content, minus any sort of moderation and plus a billion spelling errors. It’s kind of a fun site, though. On Wikipedia, entries are usually fairly professional and well edited. Urban Dictionary, on the other hand, is sort of like “Lord of the Flies,” it’s a giant free for all. For every decent entry, you get to read nine more written by idiots. It’s total chaos.
 
There are a lot of “definitions” of Towson on the site; four pages worth to be exact. You can go read them yourself if you have the time, but for those of you with lives (clearly I don’t have one), I’ve broken down the majority of the entries into four categories. Most of what people have written there can be filed under one of the following headings:

• Fair Assessment/Not Retarded: There are a few Towson entries that, I feel, give an accurate portrayal of what things are like here. The best ones noted that Towson has a bit of everything. Yes, there are a lot of preps here, but you can’t forget about the thugs (usually at the mall), the punks (outside Towson Commons late at night, or outside The Recher), and the homeless people (often found on my front porch). Parts are rich, parts are trashy. Most of the girls are beautiful, but not all. During the school year you’ll find a good mix of high school kids trying to have some good clean fun and college kids walking around black out drunk. Towson has something for everyone.
• Written by a Giant Tool: A few posts were made by people who were, for some reason, proud to embrace the stereotypical douchebag jamook image typically associated with Towson guys. A choice quote, “The kids are rich, pretty, smart and the best at their sport, spending most of their time toking on a joint in a friends 70,000$ car or playing ruit in someones basement.” I mean, where does one begin mocking this post? I guess I’ll go with his ‘Towson kids are smart,’ assertion. Yeah, okay buddy. Oh yeah, and he calls beerpong ‘ruit’. It almost sounds like he’s being sarcastic, but if he is, he’s terrible at it. This is the view of Towson one might get by never leaving the house, or never straying too far from one’s highschool campus. That kind of person does exist here (although I’m sure they only THINK they’re rich, pretty, and smart), but it’s not really what Towson is about.
• Inside Jokes that No One Cares About: “omg and vommiting by the escalator of towson commons LOLZ!!!!!” Well, thanks for contributing nothing.
• High School Rivalries (that no one cares about): “Dulaney/Private-school wannabees that can’t beat Dulaney in lacrosse. Even in their plaid shorts.” Were we all this stupid in high school?

If you’re not from Towson, just reading this brief summary of two dozen people’s opinions might be enough to tell you what Towson is like. A good number of cool people trying to coexist with morons from all walks of life. Such is Towson.
 
I wish I had the energy to look up “Towson University”right now. If I did, I might pass out from the unintentional comedy overflowing from its pages.
 
Anyways, I’d be interested to hear a good description or Urban Dictionary-style definition of Towson (from smart people). So if you want to take a stab at it, leave a comment.