The media should really be more specific with its headline choices. “We’re All Going to Die,” for example, would be quite alarming if I were a credible news source. Sadly, this is barely an exaggeration of some of the headlines I’ve seen lately. Two that really stood out (I SWEAR to God these are real):
 
“Women who force themselves to be quiet during marital arguments are four times more likely to die.” (heard on the news as I flipped past to something less intellectually stimulating)
 
You hear that, ladies? You had better start standing up to your man or you’re in trouble. FOUR TIMES more likely to die, that’s no joke. That is a serious increase in mortality rate. Guys need to know this stuff too. Just by arguing with your girlfriend you may be slowly killing her. Cut it out, asshole.
 
“Sleep deprivation may increase chances of death” (Yahoo! News headline)
 
I have been living by this doctrine for years. When I sleep until 2pm it’s not because I’m lazy, it’s because I value my health. I shouldn’t even be writing this, I should be sleeping. If you’re not reading this in bed, you are at risk.
 
Partying 232: All About Alcohol - Coming Soon