Prerequisites: Partying 101, Partying 102, Partying 201
 
If you go to a lot of parties, you will start to notice certain trends. Everything I’ve talked about in the previous installments is a trend. In the same way, when you become more experienced in these things you’ll be able to spot certain types of people that seem to always show up at parties. Here are just a few, along with tips on how to entertain yourself at their expense:
 
Mr. Testosterone
 
I talked about him a little bit in Partying 102: At the Party. He’s loud, “awesome” at all drinking games, and you’re his new best friend.
Tip: Be his beerpong partner and throw the game. When he yells at you, cry.
 
The High School Kid
 
Not always, but a LOT of the time there is one and only one highschool kid at a party. He’ll stand out because a) he’s really fucked up, b) he has no idea how to play beerpong or flip cup, and c) it’s not unlikely that he has braces.
Tip: Ask him to invite over some freshman girls… from his highschool. Then get far, far away from that party.
 
First-One-Drunk/The Instigator
 
This person shows up hammered and will not be satisfied until you are equally as hammered. A lot of the time, they succeed in getting you wasted while simultaneously failing to tell you that they have stopped drinking. This leads to an interesting role-reversal later in the night.
Tip: Be this person and you always win.
 
The Diplomat
 
He’s just passing through on his way to a far better party that you’re not invited to. Sometimes he’s already been to the other party and just wants to poke his head in to see if he’s missing anything. He’ll be gone in five minutes because the other party is so amazing.
Tip: Call the cops on the other party and mention his name.
 
Ms. “I’m not drinking tonight for absolutely no reason”
 
Some people refuse to have fun. She doesn’t have to study, work, volunteer at a soup kitchen, run a triathalon, receive a shipment of heroin at the docks, or anything else the next day, yet she won’t drink. Also, she will probably be disgusted by your drunken behavior and end up leaving early. The next night she will drink twice as much as she usually does.
Tip: Ask, “Why aren’t you drinking?” every five minutes and pretend to forget that you have already asked 47 times.
 
Paul Revere
 
This person flies under the radar all night, only popping out of the woodwork to warn people that “the cops are here” (whether they are or not). Anytime someone knocks at the door, this is the person in the background that you hear go “Shhhhhhhhh!!!!!” Also, Paul Revere is the first to hide in the shower if an authority figure really does show up, as chances are they have been busted before and “can’t afford another citation.”
Tip: Just let them exist, and their paranoia will eventually ruin them on its own.
 
The guy/girl who will hook up with anybody
 
Self-explanatory.
Tip: Pawn them off on your friends. Unless they’re hot.
 
—————————-
 
Don’t spend too much time trying to figure out if you are one of these people. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, we all get a little goofy when we drink. The lessons will continue next time, with Partying 232: All About Alcohol. See you then.