I’ve thrown my fair share of parties. In fact my roommate’s and my house has become somewhat famous. There’s even a picture from one of our parties on CollegeHumor.com, so it must be legit.
 
Not only that, but I’ve been to my fair share of parties as well. In no way am I a partying guru, though. In the grand scheme of things, I’m still a rookie. I did, however, cut my drinking teeth at Arizona State University. Between three semesters there, going on two here, and a smattering of visits to friends’ schools, I’ve got a decent resume’ behind me and I’ve learned a thing or two. That being said, here is some advice for the underclassmen who want to get shitty like a pro.
 
Come Late, Stay Late
 
No matter how late the official “start time” for a party is, people will generally be at least half an hour late. Things won’t really get started for at least an hour or more. Also, the later you show up, the drunker everyone is and the easier it is to start having fun right off the bat. Walking into a room full of sober people who don’t know eachother is kind of like being stuck at the nerd table in the highschool lunchroom. Don’t come TOO late though, or you’ll get stuck paying $5 to scrape the bottom of the last keg.
 
You should stay late for essentially the same reasons. First, everyone will be hammered. This is beneficial in so many ways. For example, people will start to disregard the beerpong list, allowing you to play multiple games in a row even if you lose. There will inevitably be that one person, though, who is standing there waiting for you to get off the table so that he can announce it loudly to the next team on the list. Just pour some chloroform on a rag, knock him out, and throw him in the closet. Done and done. Second, the drunker people are, the more they want to hook up. Do with that what you will. Third, when you leave early, you get chastised and booed and called names that you didn’t even know existed. Don’t be that person.
 
Guys, Bring Girls. Girls, Bring Girls.
 
It is a scientifcally proven fact that the amount of fun you have at party is directly proportional to the amount of girls you have with you. Especially if you’re at a party where you don’t know that many people (this was a lot more common at ASU), there is a HUGE difference between walking in with a bunch of guys and walking in with a group of girls. I mean, massive. You can almost hear the collective groan from every guy at a party when a random group of dudes enters the party. In fact, I’m pretty sure the girls aren’t happy to see them either.
 
The Movies Are Full of Shit
 
It’s not like that. At all. So don’t expect it to be. Never once have I seen Snoop Dogg perform at a frat party, slept with Elisha Cuthbert, or not had to wait in line at the keg. Purely the stuff of fairy tales.
 
Don’t Call Your Out-of-State Boyfriend or Girlfriend
 
Seriously, no good can come of this. If you guys go to different schools, forget about it. I have seen this way too many times for it to be coincidence. You’ll end up spending 45 minutes on the phone arguing before you even get to the party. Inevitably, you’ll end up talking during the party at some point, just in case you were thinking about starting to have fun. And then the entire ride home you will be on the phone again, quite possibly in tears. Call them later when you’re not drunk, lie to them, or just don’t call at all. For good measure, participate in an ecstasy induced orgy.
 
——————————-
 
Like I said, I’m no expert, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Just know that this is pretty solid advice. This is by no means all-inclusive, so I’ll be happy to do some Q&A if anyone has concerns.
 
These are just the basics; common knowledge for a lot of people. Stay tuned for Partying 102: At The Party