Dear Everyone Who Still Lives on Campus,
 

Whether you’re a freshman, a sophomore, or just a junior who wants to be in good position to mack on freshman girls, you can probably benefit from the advice I am about to dispense.

It’s only a matter of time before you need to start looking for off campus housing. Freshmen have another year or two before they have to worry about it, sophomores six months or so, and juniors… well, the sooner the better. Unless you want to end up like a more depressing version of Van Wilder. When you do start checking out classified ads in the paper, driving around Towson and Kenilworth, and scanning Craigslist (highly recommended), you have a lot to keep in mind. How many roommates do you want, how lenient are they on parties, can you keep pets, where will you put all the dead hookers… Typical college stuff.

Don’t make the same mistake that I made, though, and end up in a place without air conditioning. For God’s sake, keeping cool during the summer is paramount, and you sometimes don’t realize it until it’s too late. When you start to rent a place, make sure that it either a) has air conditioning b) has central air or c) is an igloo.

Allow me to give you a glimpse into the lives of my roommate and I, as we navigate the Sahara that is our house. This is life without air conditioning:

• Assuming you’re on a college budget and can’t just go out and BUY a couple of AC window units, you will own one fan. Maybe two. You will carry this fan from room to room.
• You will rarely use your blanket, as it has become unnecessary and often cumbersome. You will, however, keep it on your bed because you, for some reason, can’t sleep unless part of your body is covered by it; even if it’s just your crotch.
• When friends come over at night, they refuse to actually enter the house, opting instead for the front porch, front yard, or back alley. Sometimes they refuse to come over at all.
• Your T.V. speakers will break, because the T.V. is constantly on full volume in order to be heard over both fans running right next to it.
• You will eat a shitload of freezy pops.
• You will still wear deodorant to abide by social norms, but it will be laughably ineffective at keeping you sweat-free.
• Running the dryer will turn your house into a sauna. You will try to only run loads as you are leaving the house, but sometimes will be forced to suffer the stifling heat.
• You will only clean the house during or after a rainstorm; because the rest of the time it’s too damn hot.
• You will take any excuse to go somewhere that does have air conditioning, no matter how inconvenient or ridiculous.
• You will be, in general, much angrier… all the time.

 
Please, heed my warnings. I know that most respectable places these days will ensure that you have some sort of central cooling system, but keep a lookout anyway. You will be so much better off with air conditioning, and then maybe I can come over and enjoy it too.

Love,

Evan