People will often remind me how lucky I am to live where I live. I have a pretty cool house right in the middle of Towson, less than a block away from the movie theater and all the bars. Usually, I am inclined to agree with them about how awesome my place is, but occasionally the house comes with its baggage. If you happen to be jealous at all of where my roommate and I live, this might give you an idea of some of the weird shit you have to deal with here… and maybe you’ll rethink things.
 
First of all, there was the non-homeless homeless guy, then of course all of the nonsense with Walter and Rowdy. Well, ladies and gentlemen, there’s a new woman in my life and her name is Heidi.
 
A few people were over the other night, and in the middle of our shindig Walter knocked on our door, it was time for his semi-weekly crab donation. Behind him there was some nasty strung out chick laying on his porch table moaning something about being sick.
 
Walter: “Hey man do you guys want some crabs?”
Me: “Of course.”
Walter: “Cool man, I’m just gonna run to 7-11 to get some vitamin water and I’ll bring ‘em right over. Oh yeah, can you help this lady?”
 
His tone made it sound like she was a friend of his, so I felt a little obligated to ask her what was going on. I asked if she wanted a glass of water. She responded, “Yea… some water or a beer… anything.”
 
Uhh, okay.
 
I brought her a cup of water, only when I came back from the kitchen she was standing on our porch peering through the screen door. She was a middle aged white woman with buck teeth and glasses wearing what looked like just a big t-shirt. As I handed her the cup of water she started mumbling something about her son.
 
Heidi: “I need to talk to my son. I need to see my son.”
Me: “What? Where’s your son?”
Heidi: “Right there!” (Pointing inside our house)
 
Oh Lord.
 
I gave her the cup of water and went back inside, basically waiting for Walter to come back, give up crabs, and make her go away. She made herself comfortable in the meantime, staking out on the porch-couch.
 
Walter came back a few minutes later and handed us a big bag of crabs through the giant hole in the screen door. Heidi tried to ask him something, but he blew her off with a “Nope, sorry,” and disappeared around the side of his house. Apparently she’s not a friend of his.
 
Well, shit. Now my roommate and I have to deal with her.
 
We consulted briefly and then went out to confront her. As we stepped onto the porch she looked up from the couch.
 
Heidi: “Where can I get some pills? I just need some pills.”
 
Props to my roommate here, he was pretty firm with her. He told her we couldn’t get any pills for her and that she needed to leave, and she hit the road without too much of a fuss.
 
The next hour or so went without incident. We saw her walking around outside back and forth, clearly without anywhere to go. But as long as she wasn’t on our porch it didn’t really matter.
 
Eventually the whole crowd made its way to the porch to enjoy the evening air, wary that she might still be out there. Not long after, Heidi comes back from out of nowhere and takes a seat on Walter’s porch right next to us. Obviously it was awkward; she just sat there mumbling stuff and asking us questions that we ignored. Her weirdness peaked, though, with an incident that I will never forget as long as I live, and I’ll do my best to describe it here.
 
Our porch is separated from Walter and Rowdy’s porch by a rail. Our friend was sitting in a chair leaning against said rail, with Heidi sitting behind him on the other porch. Out of nowhere, the crazy bitch gets up, leans over our friend from beind, and PLANTS A KISS ON HIS FOREHEAD. Then she mumbled something and sat down again.
 
Try to fucking imagine that. Some of us laughed, some of us just sat there in utter astonishment.
 
My roommate actually wasn’t on the porch when this happened, and when I told him a few minutes later we decided to call the cops on her. Yeah, she probably wasn’t dangerous, but I’ll be damned if she was gonna spend the night on our porch. The thought of her puttering around outside my house at night, eating children or casting spells or whatever it is that she does, gives me the willies. Better to get her ass out before she tries to slip someone the tongue.
 
I grabbed my phone and realized that I had never called the cops before. My roommate agreed that it wasn’t an emergency and that we should just call 311…. which doesn’t exist anymore apparently. I called it like 3 times and I kept getting a voice that said the call could not be completed. Well thanks for telling me, assholes.
 
I ended up calling 911 and telling them that I had a problem, but it wasn’t an emergency. They gave me a different number to call (410-887-2222 if you’re interested). I’m sorry but I like 311 a lot better. I told them that there was a crazy strung out woman on my porch and that she wouldn’t leave. The operator told me that the next available officer would be at the house.
 
I cleared the porch of beers and waited on the porch for the cops. While I was waiting she asked where the nearest hospital was. Maybe she wanted help but in hindsight she probably just wanted easy access to pills. An officer arrived after a couple of minutes and I walked to the top of the steps to speak with him.
 
He asked me what the problem was, and I basically just told him that the woman was strung out and needed help, somewhere to go.
 
Heidi: “Why’d you go and call them? I’m just out here havin’ a cigarette break.”
Officer: “Where are you staying tonight, ma’am?”
Heidi: “Right here. I live here.”
 
He turned to me and I just shook my head “no.”
 
He kept interrogating her and she tried to convince him that she lived there with her husband (who’s name was Terry McDougle, in case you were wondering). She also told him like 5 times that her son committed suicide. He asked for her name and ID (this is when we found out her name was Heidi), and she said that her ID had been stolen, conveniently. And of course she didn’t have keys to the house that she supposedly lived in. The officer knocked on the door but Walter didn’t answer or wasn’t home.
 
He took me aside and I told him about some of the weird things she had done that night, although I left out the kissing incident. I was 100% positive, I told him, that she didn’t live there in any way, shape, or form. Because she was on Walter’s property and Walter wasn’t home, there wasn’t anything he could do. But he did do his best to be helpful.
 
Officer: “Just go ahead and ignore her. If she gives you any problems, call me back and I’ll run her off. When Walter gets home, if he wants her gone I’ll run her off no problem. I believe what you’re saying, she’s obviously on something, but there’s not much I can do without him home. I’m on duty until 6am, so if there’s any problems I’ll be back to handle it.”
 
While we were talking on the front lawn she yelled out something about me eyeing her up like she was some sort of “tramp.”
 
After the cop left, she didn’t stick around for too long (Thank God) before she ended the awkwardness and moved on herself.
 
Still want to live here?