Dear Kid Who Wears Shorts in the Winter,

What the hell are you doing?

I see you on campus every day, and it’s always the same story with you. You speed walk past everyone else in your khaki shorts and flimsy gray t-shirt, with arms held close to your body, and hands tucked into your pockets. Hey, asshole, you wouldn’t have to walk around like that if you would just wear clothes.

I’ve considered the fact that maybe I don’t know the whole story. It’s possible that your next class cranks the heat up to 90 degrees, or that you’re on your way to compete in a friendly tennis match. I’ve decided that it’s more likely that you’re just a douche.

What are you trying to accomplish? The only people who look tough doing this are, well, not you.

You sold your winter clothes for Ramen Noodles, didn’t you? You poor bastard.

Dear Couple that Naps Together on the Lawn Outside of Linthicum,

What the hell are you doing?

Don’t you have a bed somewhere? Do you have back problems or something? Hey dude, I know that the fresh earth can provide firm support, but somehow I feel like having a girl laying on your chest cavity would cancel out all the benefits. Dump her and buy a Sleep Number.

It’s cute in a way, but also disgusting. I’d estimate the disgusting to cute ratio at about 90-10. For every instant that I feel happy for you, I want to vomit nine times.

I’m especially happy for whichever one of you suggested doing that the first time. Happy that the other didn’t have you committed to an institution.

I haven’t seen you in a while, so I assume you’ve gone into hibernation for the winter. Your roommates hate both of you.

Dear Every Campus Group Ever,

I know what you’re doing, and please stop.

Thanks. Now I can never use the steps under the Lecture Hall ever again because you camp out there to recruit people. Can’t you camp out somewhere else, where no one ever goes? Like the football games?

I want to get a shirt that just says NO in big, bold, red letters. No I don’t want to join your group, no I don’t want to give you money, no I don’t know how to get to wherever you’re going on campus, no I don’t want fries with that, no I don’t want to come to the board to solve the problem, no I don’t know how to solve it, no I didn’t do the reading, no I’m not on drugs, no I won’t stop sleeping in class.

1. C-bone, November 30, 2007:

   Thought your readers would like to know that in addition to your terrible football program, your basketball team is pathetic as well. Towson just got handily beaten by Navy last night. By Navy! They can’t enroll anyone over 6′2 because they won’t fit in submarines. I mean, TU recruits worse athletes than a school that requires you to go to war for five years after graduation.

   You all should have gone to a real school, like Salisbury. Respect-

   C

2. Chris, December 1, 2007:

   A response from the guy who wears shorts in the winter:

   I can’t speak for everyone who wears shorts in the winter, but I certainly never tuck my hands into my pockets or wrap them around my body unless a super cold breeze hits me. My problem is that I just don’t get cold. I don’t know if it’s all the arm/leg/chest hair that I have that hinders the breeze or something genetic like a superpower, but I just find that I don’t need them. Still, wearing jeans and a sweatshirt is more comfortable and that’s what I tend to do now.