People are pissed. Towson University is undergoing massive changes from head to toe. Great things are in store for future students, but current students are suffering in the meantime. Parking is a mess, campus is overrun with construction, and the President of the University is blogging. How did it come to this?
 
“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” That’s what people always tell me when I dump nuclear waste into the ocean. But it’s pretty good advice and I think it applies here as well. I certainly don’t want to be “a part of the problem,” so here are some brainstorms that might help make campus life a little easier for you in this time of crisis.
 

We all know parking sucks. You can’t go one day without hearing about it. The University has some things in the works, but what are we supposed to do in the meantime?
 
Alternative Transportation: Walk, ride your bike, or take the bus. Also included in this category are antique flying machines, razor scooters, and hot air balloons.
 
Be Handicapped: Handicapped people can park wherever the hell they want. Use this to your advantage. If you don’t have the gumption to break your own knee on purpose, go see a shady doctor with an internet degree. With some clever language skills, a splinter can become “a debilitating foot injury.” Bonus points if you are a military veteran.
 
Take Your License Plates to Class: If parking is going to be scarce, save yourself $300 and park wherever… just without the permit. Sure, you’ll have to carry a socket set with you at all times, but you won’t be getting any tickets. Well, you might get them, but you certainly won’t be paying them. You really think they’ll tow you out of the Union Garage? Yeah, right. Don’t forget to cover up your car’s VIN.
 
Leave Your Blinkers On All Day: They can’t ticket you if your blinkers are on. Everyone knows this.
 
Towson’s campus looks like the middle of New York City. There is construction everywhere with no noticeable progress… ever. How do you block it out so that you can enjoy your leisurely strolls to class?
 
Move to New York City: If you’re going to have to deal with this bullshit you might as well dive in head first. At least putting NYU on your resume’ doesn’t require writing “(I know you’ve never heard of it but it’s a real school in Maryland. No, I didn’t make it up.)” directly after it.
 
Be Blind and Deaf: Easy way to drown it all out. And also you might get that handicapped parking pass.
 
Drop Out: You won’t have to commiserate with the woes of current students if you’re not a current student. All of the construction is going to benefit the students of tomorrow, so… become a student of tomorrow. Drop out and re-enroll in 2010.
 
Stop Going to Class: Not to be confused with “Drop Out”. Send a delegate to class to take notes and relay all essential information. Granted, this probably won’t be free. If you’re on a budget, there are plenty of homeless people and day laborers to go around. High-tech audio-visual equipment optional, but possibly necessary on test days.
 
Parking shortages and an increase in construction zones are just a symptom of a much larger issue; expansion. Everything about Towson is growing, including student body, tuition costs, and the number of people who are from New Jersey (they love it here). Some students don’t mind expansion, but for those of you that do… don’t despair.
 
Be Drunk All The Time: If you’re constantly hammered, you won’t mind the fact that campus is overrun with twice as many people. You will want to meet all of them. It’ll be sort of like a huge open air night club, except it’s during the day and no one wants to dance with you. So the only real difference is that it’s during the day.
 
Pursue Scholarships: Tuition will be going up soon, if not this coming year. If your grades just aren’t good enough to bring in the dough, try something different. Have several children. Forge a family tree that says you’re African-American. Tell them you fought in ‘Nam. Bank robbing and prostitution are viable options, albeit last resorts.
 
Develop Habits: I imagine that classes will begin to fill up faster and generally contain more students in the coming years. If this is a problem for you, turn your sleep and work schedules upside down via Red Bull and Valium. Sign up for 7am classes on Friday mornings and 9pm evening lectures on Saturdays. No one else will be there. Find a job to support your new lifestyle; I recommend any of the “work-from-home” infomercial systems. They seem legit.
 

These are some of the biggest problems facing the campus right now, but they certainly aren’t the only ones. The point here is to think outside the box to come up with solutions. To be fair, Towson’s official motto is “Thinking Outside.”
 
Hey, maybe I have learned something in college after all.