My source of income for the past seven months or so has been delivering pizzas for a family run pizza shop in Parkville. When most people think of a “college job” they usually think of that or waiting tables. It’s a great gig for a guy like me; I can wear whatever I want, and I spend most of the night in my car listening to music.

I’m coming to the realization, though, that with gas prices going up, it’s not a good long-term investment. I need to get out relatively soon, but when I eventually do walk away from it, I will walk away with some great life lessons.

The first thing that I learned is that absolutely no one can do math. I am not exempt from that statement either. Here is a pretty typical scenario:

Jane Q. Pizza-Eater orders two pizzas, and the total comes to $14.69. She gives me a $20 bill, and I ask her how much change I should give her (you know, including a nice fat tip for me). Seven out of 10 people cannot answer this question in less than five seconds.

It’s easy on paper ($14.69 plus $2 tip equals $16.69, round up to $17, give me $3 back), but in application it doesn’t go down that way. I think it’s the cents that screw people up. You know all those kids that had trouble with decimals had to grow up sometime, and no one ever taught them. It’s sad, really.

Sometimes they will throw me a curveball, though, and tell me directly how much they want to tip me instead of how much I should give them back. Then I’m the one who has to do the math and my pride in being smarter than everyone else crumbles quickly.

The second life lesson I learned from delivering pizza is that the only people who ever answer the door in a towel are people you don’t want to see wearing a towel. It’d be great if life was more like the movies and every time someone answered the door they were either hot and naked or handing me a beer, but it just doesn’t happen that way.

I know this is a little specific to be considered a “life lesson,” but I think it’s capable of global application. Whenever you’re expecting a hot girl, it’s probably just going to end up being a fat guy. That’s college parties in a nutshell.

This led me, in turn, to my third realization: pizza delivery is solely responsible for the American obesity epidemic.

The shop that I work at isn’t far from Towson, but it isn’t in Towson either. We’re not talking about a customer base of college kids that are working this stuff off at the gym or by walking to class every day. We’re talking about people who order the same thing Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. We’re talking about people who will order a small pizza, a sub, fries, a bag of chips, and a 2-liter of soda for their own personal dinner.

It really makes me want to change my own eating habits, but it all smells so good sitting in the back of my car that by the time I get home I have forgotten about the glimpse into the obese, grim future I’ve just witnessed.

I haven’t only learned bad things about the world, though. I’m not completely jaded about life just yet.

As much as I have completely lost faith in humanity’s ability to round decimals and not be overweight, I still have plenty of faith in the general good nature of human beings.

Almost every time I leave a house, the person tells me to “be safe out there,” or “be careful,” or “don’t step on my tulips you idiot.” It’s as if they truly care about my well-being. That right there is the greatest lesson of all.