Recently I’ve been trying to implement something that I should have started a long time ago: a budget. It wasn’t long ago that I didn’t particularly see the need for one. I had good money coming in and relatively little mandatory expenditures except for food and the cable bill. Now with car payments to make, automotive upkeep, rising gas prices, dating, and my frequent trips to South Africa to help the needy, money is starting to get tight.

It wasn’t difficult to figure out toward which unnecessary commodity most of my money was going. I have a feeling that many of you have the same vice as I do and are suckers for fast food. Let’s face it; I can’t cook. I don’t want to wash dishes, and there is a Subway 30 feet from my house. Alcohol costs chew up a significant portion of my money as well, but I consider that a mandatory monthly loss. Cutting back on eating out has helped relieve some of the strain on my bank account, and I’m staying in the green, thank God. Still, though, I miss having that financial cushion that I could fall back on or blow on lap dances. Furthermore, I can’t say that I haven’t grown accustomed to a certain type of lifestyle, one that doesn’t include Ramen Noodles and clearance aisle condoms.

I’m all about the phrase “work smarter, not harder.” In fact, the only thing better in my book than working smarter is not working at all. That’s why I’ve begun exploring options to supplement my income with minimal time and effort investment on my part. There are some great illegal options that, unfortunately, I had to scrap immediately. I’m glad I won’t have to resort to prostituting myself, but I have a feeling I would have been a great drug dealer.

My first (barely) legal idea was to start playing online poker. I figured I would log somewhere between six and 10 hours a week and pull in an extra 50 bucks (or more if I was lucky). I came up with this plan before I knew anything about poker. Once I started actually playing, I realized this probably wasn’t going to be the best way to get something for nothing. I enjoy playing, and I’m competent enough that I’m not going to lose a lot of money, but I doubt I can consistently pull in any sort of worthwhile profit at this point. At least, not enough to stop me from pursuing other ventures.

I considered playing the stock market, as well, and I hatched even more plans without knowing anything about what I was getting myself into. Once I started doing research on investing practices, I began to prefer when I had a lesser understanding of it. As I was reading the material, I felt out of place because I’m not 35, making a high five-figure income and saving for retirement. Apparently the New York Stock Exchange isn’t the type of thing where you just put in 50 bucks and pull out a hundred in a week or two. Go figure. I was hoping that I could eventually quit my job and have some sort of independent wealth. Since I’m still pretty young, I may have even gotten a Forbes cover story.

When that didn’t pan out, my options started getting less and less glorious, now bordering on the pathetic. I went from being a high-rolling gambler, to becoming an investment guru, to taking my change to Coinstar and turning in my aluminum cans for pocket change. I’m not throwing in the towel yet, though. Instead of looking for a second job or working more hours at my first one, I’m going to use that time productively and try to find another way to make money for free. There is so much money to be made on the Internet, so I’ll probably focus my efforts there. If that’s not successful, I’ll probably try to invent something or get in on a big class-action lawsuit.

My kids are going to have a terrible work ethic.