Everyone is doing it; there’s no use skirting around the issue. Of course, I’m talking about the only “it” worth talking about; sex. Although I think the media (especially in Hollywood) grossly overestimates how much sex is happening in college, there’s still a lot of it. And why not? We’re not in the 1940’s anymore; kids should be allowed to enjoy themselves.

The abstinence movement has failed miserably. Whenever I drive on 83 now, I see that sign that says “Sex can wait, your future can’t,” and I just laugh. Okay, Grandma, I think it’s past your bedtime.

I guess one thing about sex that sucks is buying condoms. I know in my head that it shouldn’t be embarrassing because it’s a common thing and no one really cares, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking all sorts of crazy thoughts every time I have to do it.

For instance, every single time I buy condoms, the checkout line is always 40 people long with some old woman holding things up by trying to use three year old coupons. Then I’m standing there for 20 minutes in the middle of a crowd just holding them; half trying to conceal them so that maybe people will just think its a disposable camera. I also have this ridiculous notion that I can’t buy JUST condoms. I always feel like I have to buy something else, as if the cashier will somehow get sidetracked and I can slip them through unnoticed. Usually the only other thing I can think of to buy is a Snickers or something. Condoms and a Snickers bar, because who doesn’t enjoy a post-coital snack?

Another absurd idea I have is that the cashier is going to judge me based on what type of condom I’m buying. I feel as though I’ll be pigeonholed as a freak if I buy anything other than your standard lubricated Trojan.

Sometimes the condoms are behind the counter, and when that’s the case I immediately throw in the towel. I’ll be damned if I’m going to ask a 63 year old woman to hand me “the big box of ultra-ribbed.” I’d rather just have a kid.

I like to be able to take my time and select the ones I want. Usually they are at the end of an aisle in the back of the store, which is pretty ideal. The only exception is when there is someone shopping for yeast infection cream two feet down from the condom section, and they are reeeeeeally taking their time. I can only do so many pointless laps around the store before I start getting impatient. Usually I just give up and go for it, realizing that the other person is probably just as embarrassed and uncomfortable as I am.

Despite all of the nonsense that runs through my head, I suck it up and buy them just like everyone else. The only other alternative is to use the old ones I have laying around. I still have condoms in my room that I bought in high school, but at this point using them would probably be a bad idea. The funny thing about that is that they have roughly the same shelf life as Twinkies, which is forever. From the day you buy them, you have about four or five years to use them. When you’re pushing the expiration date on condoms, that’s how you know you really need to get laid.

1. Barbara, February 1, 2008:

   I applaud the conscientious use of condoms (although not as the only method of birth control) and empathize with the lingering in the aisle like a stalker waiting for a clear shot to your chosen prey–be it condoms, yeast infection cream, personal lubricants or the usual “feminine” sanitary products. Maybe there is an easier way for those who can plan ahead–a good idea with birth control–condoms by mail. That way you don’t have to suffer the embarrassment or the judgment of those around you as you nonchalantly toss your intimate items on the counter. Mail order would allow you to choose any kind of condom, discount on quantity orders and specials of the month for the “ladies”. Is there already a site like that? Kudos on another relevant column. I’ve missed you and your pithy observations.

2. jerry, February 7, 2008:

   just get your condoms off ebay man.

3. Angelica, April 15, 2008:

   lol I love you man… you couldnt put it in better words ^^